What's the day?

MENTIONING THE DAY OF THE WEEK IS NOT AN UPDATE!! (caps intentional).

I know. Who hasn't stared at the update box for what seemed like 7 whole seconds and not known exactly what to say? It's pressure. Blatant pressure; plain and simple.

"What's on your mind?" There it is. No doubt the cartwheels in your stomach have already started, followed shortly by the dry heaves if you don't put something -- I mean anything -- in that update box.

In a panic, you insert the day of the week. It's the conversational equivalent of "how's the weather?"

Effort? Not required. Interesting post? Sorry, try again please. Facebook fail? High five!

You talk too much

You know who you are.

Iron maiden names

I get the whole idea behind marriage, at least the legal idea. Without regard to modern thinking, more often than not, a new bride will take the last name of her husband, thereby legally shedding her maiden or former name forever -- or until an ugly situation warrants the resurrection of her former self.

For a few, it's even a bi-polar struggle for the bride's very soul. She's in love and wants to be married, but also does not want to lose a part of herself in the transaction. In this case, a hyphen is deployed to bridge the two competing last names, immediately informing the world about the nature, structure, and rigidity of this blessed holy matrimony. It also defines a winner and loser in the marriage. The bride comes away with two last names, thereby constituting a major victory in the union, quickly reducing the groom in short time to a position of weakness. His journey from manly man to crushed, empty shell of a man is well on its way.

For most, though, it's not such an epic battle. The union resembles more of the norm. Wedding >>>> legal name change >>>> cake, dancing, douche-bag dj, drunk mother-in-law >>>> happily ever after with a brand new last name, or until the champagne wears off.

Happily-married-facebook-chick presents a real problem for facebook users. Somewhere between high school graduation and 12 seconds ago, this culprit has morphed into a completely new and unsettling entity, like a moth fluttering about your porch light on a warm summer evening. They just arrive... and flutter. You know it's a moth.. so what?

A common first name is presented in tandem with a common last name (usually). But when rendered side-by-side it might as well be Japanese, or algebra. If you're lucky at all, you received a working profile picture (not the failed facebook silhouette... see yesterday's entry). Sadly, though, even the profile picture can disappoint because happily-married-facebook-chick forgot to account for various factors associated with aging, or used her kids for a profile picture instead.

Maiden name to the rescue
Just put your maiden name on your profile. Do it. Don't be ashamed; it's just a name. But, it's also the key to a more rewarding and life changing facebook experience. It's not a big secret. It's only your past. And we love you. And you're not even being a hyphen chick if you decide to share it with us. Win win.

Practice with me: "First maiden married = name."

That said, for all parties, the more uncommon hyphen approach actually suits the facebook experience better. All information is on the table. Nothing is left to chance. And thanks to the advantage of punctuation, hyphen-facebook-name-chick is already a force to be reckoned with; a presence in the facebook universe. For hyphen-facebook-name-chick, a service is being performed for those she wants to friend that despise thinking too hard.

Now they know exactly who hypen-facebook-name-chick is, and they're probably laughing at her.

Good times.

MIA - Stalkers - x girlfriends - predators - or just plain chicken

This tactic is inexcusable. Your default facebook silhouette is designed to suck from the outset. It's screaming for your attention to change it. All the while being polite and not pushing you to do something you're not ready for, facebook silhouette is compelling you to never use it again.

"Hi, I'm your facebook silhouette. If you haven't noticed yet, I look nothing like you. You should go ahead and update this as I'm not designed to be permanently affixed to your profile. If you don't update me with a real picture your friends will laugh at you (some right on your wall, others gossip in confidential notes -- just like high school)."

Your friends will want to see what you look like. This helps them resolve a few important questions:

1. "OK, I recognize you." Think of all the Mike Smiths or Jennys you know. Who doesn't have a friend named Jenny? Female facebookers should always include their maiden names.
   
2. You are who say you are. It's possible to vaguely remember the name and completely draw a blank on the face. Your chances of a 'confirmation' will increase if you provide both a name AND a face. Facebook helps by showing you friends in common.
   
3. Validation: if you're fat, old, or showing early signs of a meth addiction, your new friends will appreciate instantly knowing they're better than you.
   
4. Guaranteed compliment if you replace your profile silhouette with an actual picture: "You look great, and you have an adorable family."
   

Some people have devised elaborate workarounds by posting pictures of their offspring, kittens, puppies, famous cartoon icons, cleavage, tattoos, beer logos, walks on the beach or any one of a number of possibilities. And I can assure you, facebook silhouette is damn proud of them for doing it. At least they get it, you know?

Don't be a pussy. If you're still using facebook silhouette on your profile then you are failing at facebook.

Thanks, but no thanks

Facebook is a single web application made up of hundreds if not thousands of parts, each designed to create intersections with the masses, bond you closer to old friends, forge new relationships and feed an already unhealthy addiction to facebook.  It's compelling and fun and designed that way for a purpose.  

Many see this as an opportunity to slowly drive you insane.  They assume that since they enjoyed a quiz, drinking game, movie quote, iq test, etc, that you'll automatically love it too.  And now each time you log in, you have a metric butt-load of requests to attend to.

What's the proper etiquette in these situations?

Cell phone self portraits at the gym

I guess a place with two dozen mirrors and filled with exercise equipment makes for a nice backdrop when selecting the mood for new Facebook pictures. Maybe you just dropped 38 pounds and want your ex girlfriend or boyfriend to see what they're missing now. Or maybe you just beat cancer and are getting yourself back into shape after the fight of your life. Maybe you work at the gym. Makes sense.

But when the subject is handling his own cell phone (visible in the mirrors) while posing for pictures, and still holding a respectable flex -- it gets a little weird. If only he would've smiled to distance himself from any creepy aftershocks, letting us all in on what most would recognize as a tongue-in-cheek moment. Nope.

"Look at me, everyone. No. I'm serious, dammit! Look at me. Look how buff I am now. I can't smile and flex all at once, I'll lose focus, so flexing it is."

FAIL!